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Who Is the Enemy?

So many Americans have gone down an extremely negative path by insulting, demeaning and attempting to humiliate those on the other political side. It is unquestionable that the level of anger and discord in our current society has little to do with politics. Sadistic behavior and language are unquestionably related to the experiences in the early years of life. Renowned child psychologist Alice Miller believes that sadism takes years to develop and is the result of being raised in a hopeless situation. Sadism becomes a way of coping. She believes sadism is the result of pent-up feelings, and of having no acceptable outlet for fear of an aggressive parent’s reaction.

I have worked with White supremacists, racists, anti-Semites, homophobic and Islamophobic individuals. Although each individual is unique there are common dynamics in those who hate particular groups or individuals. Early deprivation or abuse often results in the blaming of others for what a young person could not control or alter. On the other hand, some individuals work through these hurts and learn to understand their caregiver’s behavior on a deeper level. They do not ultimately approve of abuse behavior, verbal or physical. They do however come to understand, through receiving empathy and understanding from caring reasonable people in adult life that their parents, teachers, coaches, theologians gave them what they had to give. They forgive and move on into health.

A Life Saving Choice

I have been fascinated throughout my career as to how it is that two people exposed to the same general mistreatment early in life reach adulthood with very different personality types. One type has learned from the past, understands suffering and learns how not to repeat what was done to them, and becomes a person with great empathy and compassion for others. The second type emerges with anger, resentment and constantly looks for opportunities to discharge their anger onto others. Often unknowingly and often with little awareness that the enemy is within, not on the outside. Our political climate has given these individuals a cause, an excuse to blame their childhood hurts onto others without realizing that their behavior and hatred have nothing to do with political views. Trump’s inability to tolerate feedback and discharge sadism onto anyone who disagrees with him is symbolic of this avoidant and misguided behavior. Again, I am not making a political statement, I am giving you a psychological explanation for how a leader who blames others for childhood trauma gives licenses to other blamers to do the same. Unfortunately, most of the time the origin of hate speech and actions is unconscious. In the final analysis if you do not become more aware of your behavior and continue to project onto others rather than looking into your history for the real culprit you will live with chronic dissatisfaction.

Those of you who hate and believe the enemy is whoever is in the white house will spend years misguided and with no resolution to your unhappiness. You need to unravel the hurts of the past and learn how to cope with the truth of what you experienced early on and how it has affected you. You cannot accomplish this transition alone. You need help and help is available. Seek a mental health professional, clergy, friends you trust to help you understand and deal with what has been hidden from your awareness. Give yourself the gift of liberation from your old hurts by acknowledging that hatred, sadism, constant complaining is not about your political views, it is about the lack of empathy you received and how you felt helpless until your anger emerged and gave you a false sense of control and power. Ultimately you will need to choose tolerance of diversity and diverse ideas rather than narrow minded dogmatic views. You will need to open your heart, become vulnerable, while acknowledging and resolving the hurts in your life that have remained unhealed.

If you do so your heart will soften and anger will dissipate, your world will expand, as will your range of friendships, resulting in a high spirited, happy life.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.Ph.D.

Author of The Triumph of Diversity and The Soulful Leader. Co-Director, The Empathic Lifestyle Institute, an American-Chinese Collaboration. Reprinted with permission